Taking care of them for how long??

My sister Stephanie is headed to Mexico for a year next week. She so kindly left Chelsie and I in care of her plants...without asking us. Then she sends us the following email because we know NOTHING about taking care of plants. I found it very amusing.

To my darling sisters who will be taking care of my plants while I am in Mexico and undoubtedly needing my guidance in order not to kill the plants and then face the wrath of Stephanie,

Here are the necessary requirements:

Mr. Plant (Chelsie):

Yes, this is his name... don't change it. He will become very irritated. So will I. Mr. Plant requires that you water him whenever the soil surrounding his roots is dry to the touch - not "dust" dry, but just less moist than normal. This means you will probably water him about once a week - about two and a half cups of agua. Also, NO direct sunlight. He needs to sit in complete shade, although a little light is permissable. Make sure you check to see that there is no mold growing in the fake matting surrounding the base (this is the stuff that looks like grayish-yellow string). Otherwise he will mold, smell, die, and then you will die.

Arne Root (Tifani):

Once again... no changing of the name. It's pronounced Ar-nuh (emphasis on the first syllable)... named for a famous Swedish journalist. He likes to be the topic of conversations whenever you wish to tell your friends and family about his fabulous namesake (plus this makes you appear smart). Arne requires that you water him once a week... about two cups of water should do it unless he is really thirsty... and then two and a half. If his leaves start to yellow, turn brown, and crinkle up, remove them at the base of the leaf's stem by gently pulling upward - otherwise Arne gets mad, spits, shows his teeth and chews on your arms. Don't risk it. He needs partial sunlight... not direct. Fry him, kill him, and then you will die a painful death as well.

Spike (Tifani):

Kinda cute for a cactus, huh? Spike is a cactus... hence he does not need a TON of watering... however, he can use a little. Spike should be watered about once every week and a half, and not given too much water... about a small cupful is all he needs. He does, however, require sunshine... not necessarily direct, but he should have a good two or three hours per day. Keep this in mind when you arrange your apartment - in fact, arrange it to meet Spike's needs. Remember that when you water him... he pees. Always put a dish under him or a cup to catch the run-off. Also... Spike is about to outgrow the pot he is in... CAREFULLY replant him in a slightly larger pot and make sure you purchase GOOD soil for him... or else he will lose his roots, his life, and you will lose your head.

Bambi (Tifani):

Bambi is short for bamboo... and probably the easiest to care for in this group. However, she has kung-fu moves you have never seen if you do indeed let her die - so don't. Around her base in the cool-turquoise-oriental-lookin'-jar, you will see gray foam: this foam must ALWAYS be kept wet. It usually needs replenishing every five days or so... depending upon her location which should NEVER be in direct sunlight. She doesn't mind partial sunlight, but if sun hits her in the leaf she will break out of her pot and go chlorophyll on your... butt. So... treat her right and she'll bring you peace and harmony, and if you don't you'll die... from both her and I.

Thank you for your time and don't kill my plants.

Sincerely,

Stephanie L. Bahr